角落日常

I remember, I was kissed by him, and him too. before they went to work. while I was almost awake, half sleeping.   just like the drawing I saw. I wish I could see that, me being kissed like this by him and him. maybe another him before. I was blessed with such moments. and with tremendous amount of other ones. But I noticed that, I could not bear to continue. because... of the tiresome inside of me. which was a natural status. I can't help choosing the truth, instead of ideas of making up. into a long term deal. to preserve it like processed food, in order to taste later in life. I cherish them, the men I was in love with. the days of those times. and myself being affected and influenced by them respectively. I noticed my changes being with these different significant others. I noticed how they've changed because of me. and I went back to myself again. I really like how they were before we blended together... can't we stay who we are while being together? I heard my own wo...

sometimes in some arrangements of food ingredients and spices, I felt the bitterness of some sense of memories, like I was suddenly in different spaces for some seconds. bitter and memorable, I could also see the faded color inside my mind. or any kind of unexpected senses. sometimes it's in a grayish or cold blue tone, sometimes in dimmed yet bright dusk light. like instagram filters, but more real. spread through my body. sometimes it's pure wonder, for maybe several minutes of human time. sometimes less than one sec of it. these happenings saved as memories in my brain too. as well as dreams I saw in my head that I could ever remember. I guess the content of 'memory' also tells me what 'I' was made of. Because of it, I have to consider who I am. Who others are or were. A lot of times there's no necessity to listen, especially to those who purposely speak to you. words don't work. they are 'an act', like the existence of physicality. if 'th...

  我在與黎明相接的深夜裡醒來。   (I was awake in the darkness continuum with the dawn.) 等待晨光再現。   (Awaited for the daybreak.) I will win this life, not for striving in it,     but for the inevitable cause of the actions produced from it.    (我將得到此生，並非奮力爭取，而是從此生命所產出的一連串不可避免的行動而取得。) 我感受到需要重新適應這副身體，它的筋骨因一夜過去而僵硬著。    (I feel the need to accommodate with this shell. Its muscles and bones are stiff over a night.) 我記憶到它翻騰而疲勞，因此我扭動肌肉試圖解除緊繃，繼續閉眼。    (I recall its fatigue from tossing in bed. I twist and stretch my muscles to release the tension, eyes closed.) 從這裡，到感受天空藍色的光，有一段距離。   (From here to sensing the blueness from the sky, there's still a distance.) 與太陽一同爬昇。   (Rising with the Sun) 讓我知道，我在星球的表面上。   (tells me that I am on the surface of the planet.) 所以知道我擁有著速度，無論如何。   (So I know that I have velocity, no matter what.) 在球體的旋轉木馬上。   (On this sphered merry-go-round.)  沒有移動。  ...

言語。 其創造的感受，是「消耗」。 消耗思緒的力量，消耗考量來設計。 消耗了精神與內在，將它注入另一處、另一個形體，賦予生命般地。 消耗之後，我感受到強大，由自身內在空出的廣闊。 但為何，以往，許許多多的創造形式中，並沒有這樣感受過? 從文字裡建構出的設計，此時才令我感知到內在的活躍。 我感受到實際視覺上的，自己內在空間消耗後空出來的敞闊感，且質地像是提升了一樣。 音樂，料理，手工，繪畫，都沒有這樣的感受。 唯有當我在將思考化為文字的時候，才能進入這樣純白光亮的空間。 攝影的時候，我感覺到自由。 繪畫的時候，我感覺到源源不絕的豐富感。 料理的時候，我感覺未知的期待和驚喜。 哼唱新旋律的時候，有時候我因為它可能消失而感覺有些慌亂。 手作的時候，我感覺到完成之前的費時費力。 園藝的時候，我感覺像呼吸一樣自然。 試著設計出某物件/找出某辦法來解決什麼狀況，在腦中構思、組裝、演示過程、成果與結論時，我感覺到自己的猶豫。找出定論並行動時，我知道這套模式可能最適合當下那時刻或某段時間。 這樣的形式，可能與這些都不同屬性。 它有可能是完全另一個空間與維度。 或許，它還可能是一個介面。一個能夠擷取資源的介面。 當你，內心升起意念時，它可能，還太細小。 直到加深確定，它以話語顯現，化為指令，在你心智裡運轉，成為決定，轉為行動。 言語本身，即代表「取得共識」。萬物建立於其上。 無論語言的形式為何。 承載意念於它，它也是意念本身。並且，它是具有方向性的意念。 So I can literally move as I speak. Sumikko 2021/02/01 22:19 Satoru's untouchable-ness 無法觸碰的五条悟 Nanami Here

淨空感。 有時候，在腦中所見的，(無論何時，睡夢或清醒)，都是試驗的可能性之一。 腦所串接到的是，無限(?) 能夠進入世界的，(這個狹窄的(?)地方)，需要迎合它原有的視野，需要時間等待它擴展。 「人類醜陋」這個敘述。 1. 敘述者本質不是「人類」。將自身脫離「人身」而視的觀點。 敘述者是什麼樣的存在物?且何有此感想? 2. 「人類」是什麼? Who do you call yourself that to? 對什麼對象稱呼自身如此? 阿美族的「pangcah」一詞就是「人」。 世界上許多民族的族名本身意思就是「人」。 對自己說嗎?那我們自己又是什麼呢? 六七歲時，在某個小診所裡，我對自己的身體感到厭惡。 「這身體很多麻煩！」我內心暗暗憎惡著這個基因的來源者。 我從身體得到許多感受。從這些感受中，我產生的許多情緒。 四年前遇到他之後，第一次感受到身體想要生殖的渴望，然後我感覺未曾有過的悲痛。 它說：「你真的想要再重複一次嗎?」 「為什麼我這麼難受呢?」我感覺到想要繁衍的慾望，但是我傷心透了。慟哭。 這簡直，是在跟我的理智開玩笑。 我發覺，這個「我」跟這個身體是矛盾的。 衝突的，相違的，詭異共存的。 我發覺我對這樣個慾望感到恐懼與逃避。 20~30歲之間的性，從來沒有讓我想要從自己身體創造出新生命。 性，好像是，這個生命體的自動反應。 那些我奔走的行動，一部分被性慾和某些曖昧不明的因素拖拉移動著。 身體的性欲，在幼稚園就發生了。 在其他可能裡，我或許有繁衍的後代，有日夜不停的家庭生活。 而在那個(些?)版本的我，可能隨時在無視並過濾現在我正在以madarin轉譯出來的思緒。 「再重複一次...什麼意思啊!!」我的理智是這樣吶喊的。 但是我知道自己選擇了放開這樣生物體的「人」。 我，沒有時間、沒有必要，被逼迫著，再重複，這個鬧劇。 再重複，類似的記憶。 日夜，我感受著自身的附著，在這個世界裡。 我感受自己享受著動心美好的音樂。 太陽滋潤的光波。 科技設備的精巧。 創造玩味的思量。 顏色，情境，表情。 浪漫的挑動。 話語，文字，說著關於這裡的一切。 Sumikko  2021/02/01 13:38

  If you emerge yourself into a story through the words, you can be in a totally different world from exactly where you are right now. Does this statement suggest that the brain/mind is separable from its own physical existence? Seems like as a human I wonder about and at my own constitution once again.  Cats and dogs dream too.  Familiar enough I feel the same burden from the movies and fragmented plots generated from my own skull when I sleep, especially with the lights on when  sometimes I forget to turn off. Those vivid places I've gone to in dreams could stay so long that I might need to process them in bed before I actually got up. I notice that  sometimes  when during the dreaming my body is tight. Sleeping isn't always relaxing. Sometimes the dreams amazes me, like somehow I got a treat without knowing why. So many stories going on, uncountable.  So many dreams written down. We may possibly living in our dreams. Movies, dramas, novels, plays an...

這裡。 Here. 不尋常的隧道。 In this bizarre tunnel. 為何，吐出生命不斷往前？ Why a constant forging of life it is? 你在哪裡？ Where are you? 為何，無法離開？ Why can't you leave? 為何，出生時，沒有意識，無法行動？ Why are you born without a will with orientation? (出生。多麼奇怪的詞。) (Born. What a strange expression.) 為何，做無謂的，奔馳？ Why making this meaningless rush? (無謂？) (Meaningless?) 你得到什麼？ What do you get? 日夜循環著。 The sun being orbited. 轉動。 Days turn. 隨之起舞。 Earth spins. 附著。 Adhered. 消散。 Dismissed. 你想起開始的喜悅。 You thought of the freshness from the inception. (無需感到遺失。) (No need of feeling any loss.) 這是否為一種接受？ Is this a kind of acceptance? 睜開眼。真正看見。 Open your eyes and really see. 你是否，能感受痛苦？(想要抓住。) Are you able to feel pain? (The yearning to hold on.)  你，得到什麼？ What did you gain? 停留在原地的輪，那些奔跑者。 The wheel in the air. Those runners. (原地？) (In the air?) 你看到什麼？盡頭？ What do you see? The end? 無法。 None. 你在哪裡。為何，不斷吐出生命？ Where are you, and why keep forwarding this life? 將之延長，依然猶如一瞬間。 Extending it, still like a split second. 我活了34年，12410個日夜。 我活了好幾十個世紀，想像著遺失記...

  Say what you would say what would you say Say what you would say  what would you say Say what you would  say what  would you say Say  What  You would  Say what  Would you  Say Say what you would say what would you say? Say what you would say, what would you say? Say what you would. Say what? Would you say? Say. What? You would. Say what?! Would you?  Say it. Sumikko 2021/01/26 14:14 Hualien, Taiwan.

第一次嘗試寫網誌是在十五年前，大學。 那時候用的是wordpress。 寫過的東西，好像海浪，在記憶的沙灘上沖刷的軌跡，可能字句片段不等地，知道心中的意思。 回憶的片段隨時會如同浪花的白沫一樣，在沙灘上生成並且馬上消失。 它們無非是美麗的，或是煩躁的。 我的視線已經幾乎可以忽略浮動的浪了。 雖然它們依然是好看的風景，無可取代的現象。 再者，我總是能夠，聽得見呢。